你说你的亲弟弟说他会杀了我并且我死不死和他没有关系这种人该怎么办？(请求一篇英语笑话小短文和翻译，最好用英文写出笑点。。谢谢)
请求一篇英语笑话小短文和翻译，最好用英文写出笑点。。谢谢
Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
一 Can we have our teacher back？
Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"
能让我们的老师回去吗？
有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？”
二 Who's More Polite?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
谁更有礼貌？
一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
三 Expensive Price
当别人问你跟别人是半生半熟我怎么回答？
你可以根据自己的实际情况来回答，如果你跟别人不是很熟，你就说你们只是认识，接触不是很多，所以不是蛮了解。
如果你跟别人很熟的话，你就回答说我们是很好的朋友，认识很多年，彼此之间也很了解。
当然你对别人认识时间不长的话，但心里又很认可别人的为人，你就说虽然我和他认识时间不长，但是我们比较了解吧！我很信任他，他这个人很不错。
然后谈谈你和他之间的一些事情，还有他哪些地方很不错，为人处事各个方面，简单的介绍一下。
根据具体情况来回答，你想怎么回答都可以。日久见人心，朋友都是慢慢培养感情的。
文言文翻译
这两句都出自《后汉书·范升传》（后汉书卷三十六 郑范陈贾张列传第二十六）。问题中那第一句有删减，这里把删减过后的翻译和全句翻译都放上。
问题中句（删减）译文：使官员和百姓陷于水火之中，不是国家的人（都不像是这个国家保护的人）。这样下去，青州和徐州的盗寇就像在帷帐里一样。
问题中的这句其实不全，为方便理解下附此句所在段落的节选：方春岁首，而动发远役，藜藿不充，田荒不耕，谷价腾跃，斛至数千，吏人陷于汤火之中，非国家之人也。如此，则胡、貊守关，青、徐之寇在于帷帐矣。
全句译文：现在正值岁首，而发动百姓远征，（结果是）野草不能充饥，田地荒芜不能耕种，股价飞涨，涨到几千钱一斛。这样使官员和百姓陷于水火之中，都不像是这个国家保护的人。这样下去，就像让北方的胡、貊（都是少数民族）来守关，那青州和徐州的盗寇就像在帷帐里一样了。
第二句是全的，译文：《左氏》不把孔子遵为老师，而（这本书）出于左丘明之手，只是师徒相传，又没有其他人传承，又不是先帝所存之道（不是先帝倡导的道理），没有理由立为博士。
happen有过去式吗？没有被动语态是吧？能帮我举几个例子吗？
happen有过去式，是happened。它是不及物动词，没有被动语态。
如：The story happened in 1601.
What happened then？这句话不能说What was happened then？
在这里What 做主语，这是一个主谓结构。
1.发生
The accident happened outside my house.
这个事故发生在我家房子的外面。
2.（与to连用）碰巧,巧遇
I happened to be in the market yesterday when a fire started.
昨天发生火灾时，我正好在市场上。
I happened to see Peter on the way to the bookstore yesterday.
昨天我去书店的路上碰巧遇见了彼得。
3.（与on, upon连用）偶然发现
I happened on an old country hotel during the last summer holidays.
去年暑假期间我偶然发现了一家古老的乡村旅馆。
4.happen to．．．临到某人头上
Did you hear what happened to David last night?
你听说大卫昨天晚上发生什么事了吗?
http://zhidao.baidu/question/270979.html?fr=qrl3
happen to:
vt. 发生(碰巧,正巧,偶然)
例句与用法:
1. It can happen to anyone.
这事可能发生在任何人身上。
2. Should you happen to see him, please give him my regards.
如果你碰巧见到他，请代我向他致意。
3. I happen to have the official statistics with me.
我碰巧身边有官方的统计数字。
4. It's ok. that can happen to the best of us.
没有关系。谁都会发生这种事。
5. Do you happen to know his new telephone number?
你可知道他的新电话号码?
6. It could happen to anybody.
这种事谁都难免。
7. We happen to hold the same view.
我们两人的想法不谋而合。
8. How could this happen to me!
我怎么会遇到这种事啊!
happen on:
vt. 偶然碰到(偶然发现)
例句与用法:
1. I happened on just the thing I'd been looking for.
我偶然发现了我一直在寻找的东西。
2. My wife happened on this old photograph in the back of the drawer.
我太太在抽屉靠里的一面偶然发现了这张过去的照片
http://wenwen.sogou/z/q656167456.htm?si=2